woah

hahahahahahaha. this has been an amazingly successful asset. the half term was rather eventful. the first thing i need to get off my chest;

hannah had a free house on Friday, due to her mum being away at work, so I decided to go to that. I got a little ketted, pretty high and very very drunk. I'm very surprised at the fact that I didn't get with anyone, not one person because I probably won't be the first to admit it, but I'm quite a horny drunk :/ . anyway, I saw rachel tonight and we were talking like normal or whatever but after a while I was like really enticed by her. I was truly wrecked, but it doesn't stop or make up for the fact that right there and then I have never had a bigger urge to kiss someone. it's strange. normally when I start liking someone I'm really rather well... sexually attracted to them. but this was something else. I wanted her to be mine, to cuddly up to, to just hold.. not to fuck or have a laugh with. the thing that scars me the most is - it wasn't the drugs. I can't stop thinking about her since. when I see her at college i get butterflys and I start overthinking things. I'll say something and then I'll start thinking "Should I have said that? Oh my God I've just made an idiot of myself" and stuff like that. its so frustrating. my "don't give a shit" attitude is so hardto put on when I can't stop thinking or caring about someone.. I don't even know if I'm attracted to girls.

haha. this blog is the only place I can vent all of this, I don't even have a friend in the world to tell. everyone would know if I told someone.

it's possible to keep your own secrets, but it's impossible to keep other peoples'.

the other thing I wanted to write about;

matt bridges came over in the half term, to watch a film. we watched orphan, some creepy-ass film about a little girl who is actually a serial killer. quite shit, but quite scary too. but thats not the point. I was getting a bit creeped out, so we cuddled up a bit. after the film we started kissing quite a lot. he started moving his hand up my skirt and I moved it away and put it on my hip. he tried again and when I moved it again he stopped kissing me and the following conversation occurred. (maybe not word for word, but it's pretty much what was said)


matt: why not?
me: why not what?
matt: you know what
me: matt I barely know you
matt: yeah but you know you want it
me: what's that supposed to mean?
matt: I dunno. I've just heard that you're a girl that likes to have some fun
me: yeah but one step at a time, what's wrong with what we're already doing?
matt: I dunno, I just wasn't expecting rejection
me: I'm not fucking rejecting you, don't be such a pushy bugger
matt: oh c'mon grace!

Then he tried it again and I leapt back and told him to leave my house. it's worried me about the sort of reputation I have gained. he's right I do like to have some fun, but I never saw myself as a slag.. I'm scared that's what people think of me though.. its made me think that if boys try and be friends with me... maybe friendship isnt what they're after at all...










I feel like this sometimes