I am literally at the bottom. I cant believe Ive let myself into this mess
a few weeks ago I met this guy called tito. hes a drug dealer and through him I sampled some new stuff.. mephedrone, ketamine, crystal coke... all was well and that then he asked me about heroin.. my philosiphy is (or was) try everything once, so I went for it. he got some brown, we rolled a few H cigerettes and off we went. such an amazing feeling. I felt so warm and relaxed. ive literally never felt better. a few days later I really wanted that feeling again, so we did it again. now it's got to a point where I can't do without it. saturday was my last day with it and I'm so ill. I'm off college because im trying to give up.. ive never wanted something more. all I can do is try and distract myself. I havent slept since sunday night and that was just a measely 2 or so hours.
watching daytime tv until I feel sick, watching the same films over and over, masturbating until it hurts, lying in bed crying, browsing the internet for stupid things... this is what my life has become. it's the worst thing that could have happened. I literally want to die.
I have no money left. I spent it all on heroin with tito, I sold my phone for skag money and I've slept with tito at least 3 times just for a hit. the worst part is, he told me I can't buy more with sex anymore, which is actually the reason I'm stopping. the last H rolly I had was bought with money I stole from mum.
no one even knows. I need money so bad. I need one last bit before I kick it. I don't even think I can kick it.. no one cares enough. I want to die
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Monday, 5 April 2010
shoop-shoop--shoop-dela-lala
why are there so many cunts on this planet? so many fucking twats that can't see girls as real people? just as objects for them to use for sex or other bullshit? I'm fucking sick of it. I don't understand why guys cannot interpret a girl as a friend and even then they're still like "yeah she's my friend, but I'd still fuck her," ughhhhhhhhhhhh makes me fucking sick. makes me wonder, do you hang around with her because you enjoy her company or because you think one day you'll get to have sex with her and then you can move onto the next lucky girl? so fed up of all this fucking bullshit. obviously I'm not perfect, but just because I get drunk at parties doesn't mean I should automatically be a target for boys because I'm easy to take advantage of.
I want to change now. I'm getting a bad reputation that I fear won't rub off easily. the slutty, drug taking pisshead. I need to lay of drugs and drink and I need to find myself again. I need someone to talk to regularly. I can't bottle things up anymore because it's tearing me apart. I'm fearing for my own sexual itentity. I'm fearing for my own identity[fullstop]. I'm struggling to know who I am anymore and I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I need to do better at college. I need to work harder at the store. I need to try and make more friends, rather than just getting stoned and drunk with the same people every fucking weekend. can someone give me a helping hand?
I'm praying.
I want to change now. I'm getting a bad reputation that I fear won't rub off easily. the slutty, drug taking pisshead. I need to lay of drugs and drink and I need to find myself again. I need someone to talk to regularly. I can't bottle things up anymore because it's tearing me apart. I'm fearing for my own sexual itentity. I'm fearing for my own identity[fullstop]. I'm struggling to know who I am anymore and I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I need to do better at college. I need to work harder at the store. I need to try and make more friends, rather than just getting stoned and drunk with the same people every fucking weekend. can someone give me a helping hand?
I'm praying.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Friday, 2 April 2010
hooray.
finally got the computer replaced.
so the past few weeks have had their highlights;
got in trouble at college for getting a U in my photography written mock after going to the exam higher than the empire state building on stilts.
I under achieved in all my mocks except for english. tbh I dont give a shit. it's only the mocks for fucks sake
last week there was a party at lucy's as there is every half term lol. this was far from any of my finest moments as I was a complete fucking slut and I hate myself for all that happened. basically, me and hannah scored some coke and a hefty amount of booze for the actual party. we powdered up before arrival and then we drank all our drink + more from people being generous. I'm not entirely sure how, but I somehow managed to end up in lucy's parents room with rachel. we were just chatting and stuff.. or should I say I was chatting and I couldn't shut up due to being coked up and drunk off my tits. then the weirdest thing happened. we started laughing about someone (can't remember who) and we kindve started hugging in hysterics which soon turned into kissing. lasted about 5 minutes and I took her tights off and while we were kissing I was rubbing her knickers, which were moist. she started moaning but really unexpectedly pulled away with "sorry this is really weird for me" so she walked out the door after telling me not to tell anyone. it gets a lot worse. I was crying on the bed by myself when some boy lucy knows from primary school walked in and started comforting me. he seemed really nice and harmless... then he started kissing me. I was mega drunk and still pretty horny so I wasn't stopping him.. suddenly he got his cock out and I was pretty surprised. I didn't want to embarras him because he seemed nice, but I didn't really want to fuck him, so I wanked him off making a mess on the bed.
such a filthy slut when I'm drunk and it really makes me hate myself. wish I didn't enjoy sex at all cos then I could be normal. since then though, the closest I've got to talking to rachel again is a few awkward eye contacts made. I can't stop thinking about her though.. it's awful.
:(
so the past few weeks have had their highlights;
got in trouble at college for getting a U in my photography written mock after going to the exam higher than the empire state building on stilts.
I under achieved in all my mocks except for english. tbh I dont give a shit. it's only the mocks for fucks sake
last week there was a party at lucy's as there is every half term lol. this was far from any of my finest moments as I was a complete fucking slut and I hate myself for all that happened. basically, me and hannah scored some coke and a hefty amount of booze for the actual party. we powdered up before arrival and then we drank all our drink + more from people being generous. I'm not entirely sure how, but I somehow managed to end up in lucy's parents room with rachel. we were just chatting and stuff.. or should I say I was chatting and I couldn't shut up due to being coked up and drunk off my tits. then the weirdest thing happened. we started laughing about someone (can't remember who) and we kindve started hugging in hysterics which soon turned into kissing. lasted about 5 minutes and I took her tights off and while we were kissing I was rubbing her knickers, which were moist. she started moaning but really unexpectedly pulled away with "sorry this is really weird for me" so she walked out the door after telling me not to tell anyone. it gets a lot worse. I was crying on the bed by myself when some boy lucy knows from primary school walked in and started comforting me. he seemed really nice and harmless... then he started kissing me. I was mega drunk and still pretty horny so I wasn't stopping him.. suddenly he got his cock out and I was pretty surprised. I didn't want to embarras him because he seemed nice, but I didn't really want to fuck him, so I wanked him off making a mess on the bed.
such a filthy slut when I'm drunk and it really makes me hate myself. wish I didn't enjoy sex at all cos then I could be normal. since then though, the closest I've got to talking to rachel again is a few awkward eye contacts made. I can't stop thinking about her though.. it's awful.
:(
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